look, someone's thrown a cigarette on stage! Oww, shit, my back's gone.
It's A Plaster
Out of his
tree headbanger Keith Richards, 62, was recovering in a hospital in Wellington,
New Zealand, yesterday, after being diagnosed with 'mild concussion and a
Can START ME UP!" ... Erm ... "Can You GET ME UP?"
monkey business as usual, the legendary Rolling Stones chain-smoking bad boy
proved that idiots grow on trees by falling out of one whilst on vacation in
Fiji. Rumors immediately started circulating that Richards was more dead than
usual, more horribly disfigured than usual, and plastered in a different way
than usual (by actually being covered in plaster cast from head to foot. Or
A Rolling Stones spokesperson (my mate Duggy), told me exclusively
yesterday: "It could have been much worse than it actually was," he enthused,
"Luckily for Richards, he fell from the top branch, which resulted in his
bouncing from all the branches below on his way down, thus slowing his descent
and causing him to land on his head."
up! I can't hear a word you're sayin!
me, young man. Do you have a cigarette?
Exclusive: A shocked Keith recovers in hospital
& Dumber. Old & Older.
First Drug. Keith moments before the accident.
the accident happened shortly after a concert in Wellington on April 18, during
part of The Stones 'A Bigger Bang,' tour. The fall happened at at an exclusive
Fiji resort and questions have been raised about what Keith was doing up a tree
in the first place.
"He's coconuts!" exclaimed my source Duggy. "At least
that's the official story! He went up there, grabbed hold of his nuts, and fell
out again! It's that simple. And so is he, apparantly."
But the truth may
be more complex. In fact, we insist that it is. Fiji has a notoriously strict
'NO SMOKING' policy. Smoking is barred in all public places and is heavily
frowned upon even in wide open spaces, often causing confrontations that have in
the past led to threats, violence, torture, rape, murder and castration. And
that was just one guy! Duggy claims that Keith's wife Patti told him exclusively
I think, is in my tree. Especially Keith Richards. He isn't in anybody's.
Mick could do it.
that the smoking thing could be a problem, but Keith claimed to be fine with it.
Everything was going well for a while, then one day, out on a stroll, I turned
to say something and he'd disappeared. I was horrified. I looked around for ten
minutes, panic-stricken, then suddenly he appeared again, smiling and much
calmer than he had been.
"This went on for days," she went on. "One day I
noticed that one particular tree had a few dozen cigarette butts on the ground
around it, and that several coughing monkeys had deserted it. I didn't suspect
anything, though, until Keith fell out and landed on his head in front of me."
much monkey business?
sayin we're related, but the apple doesn't fall far from the tree does it? And
neither did Keith, actually.
are saying, is Give Keith
let the paparazzi make a monkey out of me.
managed to stand after his fall.
heavily disguised Keith leaves hospital
effect on local wild-life has upset locals.
Smoking Gun: Although an angry Keith denied everything, take a
close look at
this specially enlarged close up of the 'V' sign he gave us.