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Breaking News: Scarlett Sex Bomb Mahogany Explosion Shocker!

Whilst actress Scarlett Johansson is used to raising male temperatures, having recently been voted world No.1 SEXIEST FEMALE, eyebrows aren’t the part of the male body usually known to be raised right along with them.
That all changed when the star of some Woody Allen flicks and that thing about an ear-ring recently made the explosive statement that monogamy isn’t natural! And although the fierce debate that ensued was primarily between Scarlett and her boyfriend, my buddy Duggy was happy to join in the argument and said yesterday:
“Mahogany is natural! It’s what trees are made of! Nobody knows about wood like Scarlett! Ask any guy! I don’t know why she has taken this stance! Although I like it when she takes stances! Especially if she has boots on! Remember that number by Nancy Sinatra? Ooooooh.”

Passions are running so high that Duggy had to be carried out of the room and placed in a cold bath shortly after making this statement. Because he has sex on the brain, we put him in there head first.
My buddy Arnold was more optimistic. “I think this will give a lot of men hope,” he said. “Although on a personal level, I don’t agree with what Scarlett has said, I’m glad she feels that way." When I asked him to explain this apparent contradiction, he replied. “Gee, if I could get laid just once I’d be happy.”

I decided to ask somebody who wasn’t a loser, but I don’t know anybody like that, so I asked my buddy Homber instead:
“Scarlett said that it’s crazy to claim to be thinking of a cherished partner whilst rolling around doing a sexy scene with another person. This is completely untrue.”

Although Homber is unemployable, not qualified to make such sweeping statements about the human condition, and is usually encouraged not to talk at all, I asked him to go on.

“I’ve been married for five years, and although I’m not an actor, whenever I sleep with another person, I always think of Scarlett Johansson. Even if I’m boinking a retired broad, or the guy who brings the mail. Don’t matter."

When I pointed out to Homber that he is married to a large German lady called Hengretta, not Scarlett, he shrugged and replied, “Yeah, but if Scarlett agreed to marry me, she would prove herself wrong.”
Scarlett's suggestion that she may not
be perfect is proven false by this photo.
I left Homber searching for his green crayon so that he could write to Scarlett and let her know about this exciting development.

Determined to find a genuine expert type, I cunningly feigned a stomach ache and made an appointment with a doctor. Whilst laying on a table to be examined, I craftily brought up the question of monogamy, in the guise of casual small talk.
“Theoretically, it’s possible,” the doc suggested, “but not in practice.” When I pointed out that, if it isn’t possible in practice, then the theory must be wrong, he replied, “Not at all. Theory and practice are different things. If they weren’t, we wouldn’t need the two words. One would be fine.”

When I opened my eyes, I noticed that he was holding a scalpel and grinning at me, so I made a polite excuse and beat him unconscious with a chair.
"What would you like for dessert?"
Sextra! Sextra! The Scarlett Johansson Sex Bomb Explosion!
What time is it? Oh, I don't have a watch on...
Thanks for lending me your underpants, Woody.
A tasteful picture of Woody Allen's casting couch yesterday.
Oooh, I've fallen over and hurt my ankle! A man will have to help me!
These buttons keep springing open. Can you help?
Sorry, I forgot to shave the other one.
The Oscar is in the post, Scarlett.
Scarlett about to let her hair down (again!)
Certainly, but I may come undone myself.
Did I mention that I'm kinky? I hope you don't mind.
Woody, you're blocking the TV.
Take Two? I think I'll be fine with lust the one, I mean just the one, thanks.
Nah, nah, not at all. Umm, by the way, who the hell are you?
Money and sex are so overrated. I want more from my life. More money, for a start. And more sex.
I believe that mahogany is unnatural. Does that shock you?
Write it down, Scarlett, or you might forget.
Scarlett the swinger. Out of her tree, but she could still teach Tarzan a thing or two. As for Keith Richards...
Sadly, for Scarlett herself, the problem may be unsolvable. “So many men find her sexually explosive,” my buddy Gretchen Halfmeinger told me, “That many feminists now consider the mere mention of her name to be sexist.
“She is constantly tempted. Her problem is that men who get into a relationship with her tend to start believing in monogamy. It’s like an automatic reaction. What the hell would be the point of feeling any other way? It’s a Catch-22 thing for her.

“The question of true fulfillment for an animal as complex and intelligent as the human being is a highly debatable, philosophical one,” he admitted, “even when talking about the male. But if the combination of Scarlett Johansson, beer and football doesn’t sum it up for a guy, he might as well qive up.”

Was there any hope at all for Scarlett, I wondered.

Surprisingly, Gretchen looked optimistic. “Did you say she knows Woody Allen?” he asked.
"It's so hot! Do I look hot?"